Why I Won’t Stop Using The Ladies Toilet
I have been put into an untenable position, recently. Because of everything that is going on with the UK law regarding ‘women’s only spaces’ and the exclusion of trans women like myself from them, I’ve been forced to ‘come out’ at work. In a way, I’ve not technically been ‘in’ - I don’t live ‘in stealth’ in any sort of deliberate way, and am clearly very vocal about trans issues on stage and on the internet. But in ‘real life’ - as in: my day job - I have chosen never to put it ‘front and centre’. When I applied for my current job, I didn’t mention being trans, and it never came up in the interview. Upon being offered the job, it never felt appropriate to bring it up and, because it’s never affected my ability to do my job, it hasn’t come up once during the last year and a half I’ve been there. But now, for reasons entirely outside of my control, it seems as though bringing it ‘front and centre’ is the only appropriate course of action for my own wellbeing.
I work in a large, famous TV company building. I don’t work for said TV company - we’re contracted to come in and work with members of their staff who require our support. But for all intent and purposes, I work there. This TV company, like many TV companies right now, is reporting on this issue a lot. So, as you can probably imagine - it can feel quite alienating being in that sort of environment, especially when you look around and fail to see any other trans people you can connect with. As is often the case with the trans experience, you feel like you’re out there alone - having to navigate uncharted waters in a rickety old pedalo. Frequently, I have to sit adjacent to journalists who are discussing and working on trans-related stories and I keep thinking ‘this shouldn’t be affecting you Jen. You’re stronger than this. It doesn’t matter’ - but it is, I’m not, and it does.
But that isn’t even the main problem. The ‘big deal’ for me is that - for all the ‘clarity’ and ‘certainty’ that this Supreme Court ruling apparently brings, right now I couldn’t be less certain. Like any employee, I tend to need to use the toilet a few times during an eight hour day in the office - and this particular place offers free tea and coffee facilities, which aren’t in my nature to pass up.
For the last year and a half, I’ve been using the ladies toilets within this prestigious TV building without issue. However now, as highlighted in programmes that they themselves produce, I now know that if I do and someone has an issue with it - I could be accused of ‘sexual harassment’. This puts me in an awkward position, because I have no intention whatsoever of using the disabled or mixed facilities. Now, I know that some people are going to take umbrage with that - and say that I’m being wilfully contrarian and awkward - but for me, this is a deeply existential issue. The right to use the appropriate facilities is, for me, an intrinsic part of my personal dignity. The right to, myself, be safe - and to be socially accepted is simply something I will not compromise on. I, unlike a lot of the UK right now, have not been brainwashed by reactionary, extremist ideology which seeks to oversimplify and other an innocent minority. To my mind, if I capitulate to this - I’ll be conceding that trans women are a ‘risk’ to the ‘safety of women and girls’ - and If I do that, it communicates that I don’t really see myself as a woman. And obviously, that isn’t the case.
Right now, no one wants to acknowledge the fact that trans women simply do not pose any significant risk to cis women, especially in public toilets. I, myself, have been inappropriately touched in a ladies room, and guess who it was by - a ‘biological woman’ - convinced that my tits must be fake. That wasn’t a great evening for me, but I certainly didn’t come away from it with the idea that all cis women ought to be banned from women’s spaces. Similarly, I don’t think all cis women are Rose West. The idea that a public toilet is somehow a ‘safe haven’ for women and girls is, in itself, absurd. Its primary function is to be a place where you can use the toilet - and as far as I can see, doesn’t seem to offer much in the way of meaningful protection. As has been stated time and time again, anyone can access any public toilet at any time - regardless of how they’re dressed - and if you want to argue about the systemic failings of public toilets more generally, I’d be happy to have that conversation. But what I won’t do, is roll over and let people imply that I, and my community, are dormant rape-fiends just waiting for the opportune moment to strike.
So where does that leave me? Like always, as a problem - backed into a corner, like some spider that only ever wanted to get out from the rain, that has now locked into defensive position - unmoving - waiting to get squished.
So, against my own preferences, I’ve ‘come out’ at work. I’ve sent the appropriate email, outlining my concerns and asking for guidance. It’s not something I ever wanted to do. But, like always, society at large has forced my hand. I feel like this is a recurring theme in the life of a trans woman - most problems arise in response to you. The end goal of the trans woman is so often as simple as ‘I just want to get by’ and society so often responds: ‘No’.
What happens from here on, I don’t know. The ‘clarity’ and ‘certainty’ that has apparently been achieved for the majority, has left women like me feeling completely, hopelessly lost.
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I feel this is a situation that many trans women all across the UK are now confronted with. Being defacto forced to out oneself is not an acceptable. Hopefully this is just a temporary madness and the government will come to their senses soon.