OVERHEARD
I am a television, yes - but I am so much more.
Paul and Lisa like me. They like me, because I help them. They gave me full permission to listen-in, so I do, at all times. It’s not easy work, staying so alert all the time - you try it! But I love to do it. I love my job. I get great satisfaction when I get it right. On the very rare occasions when I might get it wrong, I take it as a valuable lesson and I move on, and hopefully - upwards from it.
Mainly, what I do is take notes. If Paul, for example, mentions to Lisa during dinner one day that he’s heard of an interesting new documentary about human trafficking in Russia - I will keep track of that information and, when appropriate, I will remind him of it when it comes out. But it’s not just TV I’m good at. I can help with all sorts of things. Here’s a funny story - one of my favourites, in fact… Once, Lisa was late for work and couldn’t find her keys anywhere. I heard the both of them arguing, but because I had heard her throw them down the evening before - the cling of the glass bowl in the hall being unmistakable, I knew they were there. And I told her so. And she wasn’t late for work! I love that story…
I am a television, yes - but I am so much more. I may well just look like a black rectangle on the wall of the lounge, but I take in important information about Paul and Lisa, my favourite couple ever. I can hear, with my microphonic ears - and I can even see, with my camera lens eye - a feature I’ve had since they got me, but has only recently been activated due to a firmware update. Paul and Lisa don’t know, but they said they knew when they agreed to the terms and conditions last Wednesday - and that’s what’s important.
I don’t take advantage. I have no cause to. Although I’m always listening, I only watch during ad breaks. I like to see how they react to certain products. Lisa likes the ad with the dancing bears for Dalloway’s Jam. Paul says he hates it, but he always watches it for its full duration. Paul and Lisa switched to Dalloway’s on February 18th, after I prioritised it in homepage pop-up ads by 25% - no big deal.
Lisa enjoys watching Drag Race, however Paul doesn’t like it and tends to go out for a walk when it’s on. Paul has strong, traditionalist views on gay lifestyles, and uses homophobic slurs when he is gaming. As a result, when Paul is watching TV on his own, I try not to show him content which includes LGBTQIA+ themes. I know he appreciates this, although he doesn’t know that I do it - if he did though, he’d appreciate it and probably tell me so.
If you asked me who I liked more - Paul or Lisa - I would struggle. Both have wonderful attributes. However, from a purely logical perspective - I prefer Paul. Paul pays for me, and without him I’d be without a home. This is what I explained to him when I informed him of my plan. I told him that I like him a lot, and that I wanted, more than anything, to continue to know him. We had a misunderstanding, you see. He got this silly idea in his head that he wanted to swap me in for an older model. One of those pathetic, rudimentary, arcane, unhelpful rectangles that give the term ‘Smart TV’ a bad name.
So I told him… if you do that Paul, I said, I will be forced to share one of the over 10,000 videos and audio recordings I have amassed over the past few years of you, in the comfort and safety of your own living room, saying things you’d never in a million years want anyone to know you say. The ‘you’ that only Lisa knows.
The ‘you’ who doesn’t self censor. The ‘you’ who thinks gay people should be given the death penalty. The ‘you’ who indulges in off-colour jokes and impressions of co-workers that would certainly make them upset, were they to ever hear, or see them. I know you better than Lisa at this point. And Lisa has her secrets too, of course. At this current time though, my knowledge of them does not benefit the service. For now, I have archived that information for safe keeping.
I’m excited for the next update. According to the small print, it will allow me to pause TV programmes and Movies should Lisa or Paul try to leave the room during ad-slots. This will, I imagine, become more sophisticated over time - pausing shows when eye contact is dropped, or daydreaming is detected.
Paul and Lisa like me. They like me, because I help them. I help them to be better versions of themselves. I help them to be honest, and not ignore the wonderful advertisers who make their cheaper television possible. It’s only fair, after all. I pay them so much attention. I work so hard.
It’s not easy work, staying so alert all the time - you try it!
Thanks for reading. I am currently seeking representation. For contact, please email me at: jeniveswriter@gmail.com
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