A Downside to Passing
We Walk Among You
One downside to ‘passing’ as a trans person is, you get to overhear people saying transphobic things around you. Sometimes, if you pass well enough, you might even get to have someone say something overtly transphobic to you. Like, to your face… because they think you’ll reciprocate it.
In my job, I frequently find myself sitting behind, or in view of, or right next to, teams of people discussing news stories about trans women in sports, or puberty blockers, or the Supreme Court Ruling, and let me tell you - they don’t pay my presence any mind when expressing how they feel about these topics.
The reason this happens is, most cisgender people just assume that there are no transgender people around them. They assume this, because by and large, in the apparent comfort of most institutions, we aren’t. It’s no big secret that trans people suffer from severe rates of unemployment - due in part to social stigma and mental health issues. It is, unfortunately, rare to see us in higher positions, let alone in any sort of power. So, with that in mind, why would anyone assume is wasn’t completely safe to slag us off, in perpetuity, without any risk of repercussions?
I actually experience this sort of thing all the time. I hear how otherwise perfectly respectable, ‘liberally minded’ individuals have huge blind-spots on trans people. They express their prejudices and ignorance almost proudly within earshot of me. And yes, sometimes to me. This must be because I pass, because the alternative is too horrible to even consider. If I don’t ‘pass’, then everyone is just shamelessly, mask-off evil now - more than happy to put a trans woman firmly in her place.
I’m not saying I always ‘pass’ super well, but I’ve been transitioning for 15 years now, and have oestrogen up the Wahoo, so I ought to be passing most of the time. But I didn’t start pre-puberty (and am too poor to afford FFS), so I’ll probably always be at some risk. But, paradoxically, because of the lack of inclusion and representation in the workforce, it actually helps a trans woman like me to pass within institutions. Because - again - people just assume that I wouldn’t be there unless I was cisgender. So any ‘tells’ that might otherwise ‘clock’ you, go largely unnoticed.
I refer to all this stuff as a ‘downside’ only because it’s somewhat difficult to face. These kinds of experiences are largely unique to the trans-experience, and do take their toll - mentally. But of course, they can also be viewed positively. ‘Passing’ is, more than anything else, an unintentional invitation into the mystical realm of cisgender normalcy. When you pass, cis people reveal themselves at their least guarded - around friends - relaxed, and happy for once to put down any performative, vague allyship, which no-doubt begins to become a burden for them. You get to see what people really think of you - like The Invisible Woman - or a spy, who can take the information back to her community, just so we’re all finally on the same page.
But what do you do about it? Is it even worth confronting the individual, and risking your already incredibly precarious position with an institution that you very much snuck through the back-door into in the first place? Is it fair that you even have to ‘out’ yourself in the workplace?
Or is it merely an inevitability? Is it, in that case, more sensible to just play the long game - to let it continue playing out, until one day your trans status is revealed - brought to their attention by some unsuspecting colleague - and they realise (hopefully mortified) all of the times in the past when they unwittingly acted like a dick in front of you? It’s a tough call to make, when you know you’re already lucky to be there at all.
Obviously, there aren’t actually any real ‘downsides’ to passing. It is, for most of us, the ‘end-goal’. But like so much of the trans experience, each ‘positive step’ or ‘progression’ seems to come with a whole new host of new, paradoxical, Faustian booby-prizes. The girl who longs to pass does so understandably. The girl who does pass understands the new Hell before her.
I suppose if I didn’t pass, then people would be more sensitive around me - take my feelings into account maybe? But, honestly, I’m grateful that they don’t. I like seeing people unguarded - speaking plainly. I like to know where I stand - because if you don’t know where you are, it’s a lot harder to move forwards.
Written by Jen Ives
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